Note, the following was one of many started but not finished pieces of writing I seem to have accumulated over the years. I merely finished it recently. This one I started over one year ago on 12/5/15 and can only guess what it was a response to.
Survival of the Fittest:
I’m not gonna lie, or try fronting. Today got a little emotional for me. Out of nowhere, I started to uncontrollably sob, the hysterical kind where after a minute or so, you realize how ridiculous you must look to anyone and everyone else if they could see you at that moment, and that thought makes you laugh, and you spending the remainder of your diva moment alternating uncontrollably between the two, until eventually it just stops out of the blue, for no apparent reason, and with as much advance notice and fanfare as it first came on with, which is none.
Maybe it finally got that snickers bar.
I’ll be the first to admit that I have this nasty habit of never allowing myself to feel proud or to be excited or to admit fear or many of the other basic emotional responses to various environmental stimuli. I don’t know why I do this, or what it is I’m afraid of to where my instinctual response is to downplay my interest level or to not ever let on just how much something truly means to me, but it must somehow be tied into my survival as all instincts naturally are. The only thing I do know is it often has the opposite effect in my life, stunting my growth as a person and alienating me from people and situations that I would otherwise stand to benefit from in the long run.
Maybe I’m afraid that by letting on the fact I’m excited about something will in some way influence the universe in delivering it to me or me to it, because there are many times I feel like the universe and fate, (if there even is such a thing), is out to get me. It’s because those times I do show any outward exuberance towards something all I’m ever left with is a sense of disappointment when it doesn’t measure up, or deliver in the end, which it never does.
Just Who Do You Think You Are?
After allowing myself to feel dejected for a while, I start to think to myself, who do I think I am to have the audacity to feel I deserve anything from this world, from this life, from the universe?
I am nothing, and no-one.
Nothing’s guaranteed except THIS very moment you’re currently living in, and even then the only thing you know is that this too will end, though you know not when. Time is not a linear thing in this regard, all moments were not created equal, some last only an instant and some moments go on for longer like the energizer bunny. How much of that is dependent on the individual, how much is by design, and how much would have happened the same way irrespective of who it happened to?
I’m not fooling anyone, am I?
What is it that makes me think not letting on about whether there exists a softer side of myself in any way makes me less vulnerable? A soft underbelly is a soft underbelly, just ask Churchill. The immobility this fear and these questions leaves me with cripples me, and leaves me paralyzed, at least from the brain down because my mind is constantly racing and working in overdrive, which acts as a counterweight to everything else about me.
The more effort it exerts, the less I’m able to do. Classic cookie cutter example showing the pitfalls and dangers of overthinking, purely textbook. In extreme cases, if left untreated, for long enough, a death of sorts is possible, even likely.
A slow and painful death, arduous to reach, immobilized with fear, laying at the bottom of a kiddie pool slowly being filled with Piranha from the Amazon which would be easy enough for you to escape from if not for being paralyzed from the brain down. All you would have to do, is stand up, step out, and voilà, crisis averted.
Instead, you just lie there, slowly dying from the inside out, one tiny bite at a time. I know no physical pain remotely comparable to the psychic pain this causes and I wouldn’t ever wish it on another human being because it’s a pain I’m all too familiar with, having experienced it to some degree for my entire life, or at least as much of it as I can remember.
That’s what I get, for thinking the universe owes me jack diddly shit when it doesn’t, or maybe it does which is why that’s what I get and that’s another thought that terrifies the shit out of me. What if I’m not nearly so good, or so decent, as I thought I was?
What if the universe has long since moved off of the gold standard, and the dollar, and now paid it’s bills using nothing but Karma? How fucked would I be, would you be, would we all be? I’d be in debt up to my eyeballs either way and maybe that’s why my life has taken such twists and such turns as to make “move over murphy” become my new mantra?
I’m sure I’m not the only one this change in cosmic currency would affect in such a way either, because the universe, by it’s very name and definition, is universal.
You wanna talk about a global economic crisis; try that shit on for size; then we’ll talk.
Karma, yeah it can be a real motherfucker and it always has a funny way of coming back around and biting you right in the ass when you least suspect it. But if that truly is the case, by that logic, to have the string of shitty luck I’ve had I must have done something truly horrific.
My whole life I’ve felt singled out, picked on, targeted, taken advantage of, or had shit started with me because for some apparent reason, one I’m unfamiliar with, I look like I make for an easy target or something. Sometimes I catch myself searching for the sign or the target that must rest right between my shoulder blades and paints a bullseye upon my back when I stretch my arms, which I do often on account of my bad shoulder, to no avail.
Maybe it’s the fact I don’t feel the need to puff out my chest, mark my territory, inflate my ego, or brag about how I’m the man in bed, in the head, or anywhere else (save work), and that was only because work was more about effort than anything. If you wanted to get better, you would, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t. Simple enough concept really, or so I thought.
Maybe it was my general stature which is small, or my demeanor which is and always has been of a much larger variety because I always try to carry myself well through this world (and sometimes I fail at it miserably), because I’ve always believed that while it may not be about the destination, how you undertake the journey matters, the way in which you go about getting there really fucking matters in the end.
In this belief, as with many others, I’m left feeling all alone in sticking to my guns and my morals and in all those things which I believe develop ones character in the long run it always feels like I’m the sole person standing up for myself, or for others in a room full of people sitting down on those things. The only sane person in a world of insane people…now doesn’t that sound crazy?
At which point do I stop being the sane one?
But I know I’m not crazy and I feel it in my heart that I’m not wrong either, that a lot of things that go on which people have conditioned themselves to accept are in fact wrong, in such a blatant way, and with such wanton disregard for the very basic principles of human decency that it serves as a damning condemnation of society today and begs the question whether we humans still have any decency left within us.
We should all be ashamed of ourselves, and I say with intentionality because while I may not subscribe to it, there is more that I could be doing to change it as well and therefore my own inaction makes me just as guilty as anyone else.
The only recourse which prevents me from adopting the cold and callous attitude of my immediate surroundings, and not to have already said, “fuck it, I take what comes next”, flipped the switch and turned the lights off for good, which I’ve already tried to do once (though that’s a different story for another time), is to adopt a devil may care attitude, and give off a general aloofness to the happenings of the world, both of which are just as much evolutionary adaptation as they are a conscious choice.
How else could I exist in a world so filled with hate, and with such reckless disregard for the wellbeing of others when I have so much love in my own heart and care more about others than I do myself?
A major complication this presents me with, is the extremely small number of people I allow to get close enough to see me past a very superficial conception which, on account of my aforementioned defense mechanisms, and natural tendencies is at odds with the real me, and with my true self.
Due to my poor track record with those I have allowed to get close enough to hurt me, this path has now become littered with booby traps and other hazards and one must overcome obstacles which are daunting if nothing else.
Anyone in their right mind would rather have a family picnic in the middle of Korea’s demilitarized zone during the height of the tensions between the North and South, or would prefer an honest answer to the question about whether that dress makes them look fat or not, I know I would.
Needless to say, more often than not, my dinner plans consist of a standing reservation for one followed by light drinks, some quality time with me, myself, and I; maybe even dessert, we’ll see how everyone plays their cards first.
Judging by what I’ve seen from this world, I’m content with that, though sometimes even I get lonely and feel hopeless, and even I can only do that whole me against the world routine, carrying the world’s woes upon my back like Atlas, before I’m eventually forced to either shrug or be crushed under the sheer weight of it all it’s just too much pressure.
Here’s some of my oldies but goodies
Hey, there you!
I have a slight confession to make…
I’ve missed some golden opportunities
Look I’m a little embarrassed in my lackluster performance this past year, I really screwed the pooch and missed out on delivering some solid material on a lot of issues near and dear to my heart such as #BlackLivesMatter, and the general push to de-militarize what has quickly come to resemble an occupying force; being the most glaring example that just jumps right out at me.
I’d also in that same vein, have to say that I missed out on the main events which kicked off the 50th Anniversary of the Black Panthers for Self Defense founding in Oakland California by Bobby Seale and Huey Newton as a direct response to many of these same issues surrounding police tactics and increased presence in communities of color.
It’s so striking to me the many similarities between the Black Panther Party’s mission and that of the #BlackLives movementi from today’s day and age; And I’m not talking they vaguely resemble one another (some real fraternal twin shit), I’m talkin that two peas in a pod, I share your thoughts, and whatever other weird “ness” known only to those who share every last thing in common, including their DNA, you know, the identical variety. Essentially the issues being raised could have been lifted straight from 50 years ago and plopped down right here in the middle of everything else.
I’ve got a lot of other really great ideas and nowhere near enough time for me to possibly flesh them all out in as much depth as I’d like to or that they deserve to be treated with, but giving it an honest go never hurt anyone (at least anyone I can think of) other than ego and pride should we fall flat on our faces, but such is life right? The act of simply showing up and trying is more than most do on a daily basis, and those unwilling to leave it all on the table and risk overextending and belly flopping aren’t trying hard enough, period. So they should zip it as far as I’m concerned, there’s no room for idle talk.
I almost forgot to mention
Last but certainly not least, I should explain why it is I have so little time and availability with which to maintain this thing… Your boy made moves, of the epic life altering variety and let me tell you the struggle has been real.
I know I had allueded to wanting to pursue the profession I had known I wanted to do a long time ago, I jsut decided to take a year off of school in order to work full-time, get out of my dad’s place he was kind enough to let me live in, just not very peacefully, or without any sort of tension.
Well, it took a while, and things got off to a rather rocky start, but I finally shook them damn cobwebs off; I’ve taken and passed both the CBEST and all three subsections of the CSET for Social Science, a lot of which, such as Economics I had to either do a major refresh or teach myself entirely from scratch. It was a lot, and I do mean a lot of hard work, and it’s not nearly done yet, not by a long shot. In fact, this party’s just barely getting started.
In order to do justice to this most priveledged of professions with so much potential to affect our youth, and one I have such deep respect for, I had to really give it my all, and be committed, and let me tell you, I gave up everything to ride this one out until the wheels come off. I’m in it to win it.
I guess I should start with…THANKS
And I definitely need to give thanks to all those I’ve encountered who’ve also heard its calling, especially those who had the grave misfortune of having me as one of their students, because they helped shape me into the person I am today, gave me their unwavering belief and support along the years, and having given me a love for learning that’s given me so many gifts in such a short timeframe that I will forever be indebted to them.
If that’s not enough, they did it in a way that not only let me be me, and do things in my own way, but actively encouraged the process of finding those things in the first place despite some of my poorer choices along lifes continous pathway of trial and error.
And let’s just say, mines had more than it’s fair share of errors along the way, but my decision to pick this dream up, dust if off, and bring it out of deferrment will never be one of them.
It’s the first thing I’ve done in my life that just felt right, which begs the question, “what took you so long?”, and while I may not be able to ever truly answer that fully, in a way that does the question, or my path up to this point any degree of justice, what I can, and will do, is respond in such a way that makes up for lost time, and says “I have arrived”.
Stay tuned, cuz baby, you aint seen nothin yet!
If you woke up tomorrow, and your internet looked like this, what would you do?
Imagine all your favorite websites taking forever to load, while you get annoying notifications from your ISP suggesting you switch to one of their approved “Fast Lane” sites.
Think about what we would lose: all the weird, alternative, interesting, and enlightening stuff that makes the Internet so much cooler than mainstream Cable TV. What if the only news sites you could reliably connect to were the ones that had deals with companies like Comcast and Verizon?
On September 10th, just a few days before the FCC’s comment deadline, public interest organizations are issuing an open, international call for websites and internet users to unite for an “Internet Slowdown” to show the world what the web would be like if Team Cable gets their way and trashes net neutrality. Net neutrality is hard to explain, so our hope is that this action will help SHOW the world what’s really at stake if we lose the open Internet.
If you’ve got a website, blog or tumblr, get the code to join the #InternetSlowdown here: https://battleforthenet.com/sept10th
Everyone else, here’s a quick list of things you can do to help spread the word about the slowdown: http://tumblr.fightforthefuture.org/post/96020972118/be-a-part-of-the-great-internet-slowdown
Get creative! Don’t let us tell you what to do. See you on the net September 10th!
via Battle For The Net.
Kudos to her for stepping up and speaking out.
I like what I’ve been seeing from this younger generation of organizers and activists since relatively early on into the #Ferguson and #Garner protests. I just hope they can keep it up and make it into something more than just "protests"
Hoping for that day to come where nobody is forced to take to the streets, or pick up a mic in an effort to raise awareness to injustices, or to mourn lost loved one’s, but we’re not there yet.
Hey People: Stop Acting Like Sheeple
It’s time to act in our own best interests for a change.
The guy in the back has the right idea.
Be Your Own Person: Take Charge of Your LIfe
Nothing says you have to stand around sheepishly just because everybody else is.
Those in power only have as much power as we allow them to have. We’re free to leave at any time, masters of our own destinies; we just haven’t realized that yet.
The Balance of Power Is Shifting
We just don’t know it yet.
Better Late Than Never: A Birth Worth Celebrating.
Hey, better late than never right?
On the 15th of January of 1929 MLK jr was born into this world. He would grow up to become one of the most influential people ever born. His lifetime left a fingerprint on the very fabric of society makeup and composition of this nation in a major and compelling way. The fingerprint of his lifetime will be felt and seen, and may even pop up in the extremely rare instance that it’s needed. world, into this world ., easily one of the most influential figures in my own personal growth and development journey and that of so many others was born.
Who knows where this nation would be, were he still here if he were with us still today; would the protests and the #BlackLivesMatter or #BlackBrunch #EricGarner and #Ferguson campaigns would still be going on?.
Tragedy Strikes @ The Lorraine Motel Memphis, TN-April 4, 1968
A Great Leader Is Taken From Us Far Too Soon.
Dr. King’s life, his wisdom, and his leadership were stripped from us that fateful day, April 1968, robbing us of what surely would have been a calming voice of reason, drowning out the angry din of the turbulent times that lie behind us, and those that lay ahead. His moral judgement serving as a nautical star, always guiding us towards that promised land, the one he dreamed of; where all men are created equal and judged only by the content of their character and not the color of their skin.
It Is His Day After All
In honor of his birthday, his name day and his me-mo-ray(that’s memory for the illiterates amongst you), I shared some of his stuff below, beginning with speech about that dream his name came to become synonymous with.
Obviously Dr. King can’t take all the credit for the entire civil rights movement, much as the media among other people would like to just give it to him. There were people and organizations fighting for the rights of African-Americans long before Dr. King ever got sent to Montgomery, or got the spotlight from the boycotts, but his pre-eminent role as the representative and face of the larger movement as a whole can’t be denied either,
He was merely upholding a tradition kept alive by all those who have fought for equality from the inside like A Philip Randolph who threatened to march on washington if African-Americans weren’t included to begin with. No more of this playing game and shit with your crappy ass little weaves or whatever the fuck you put in there. within their tribe or their own mind that we really don’t need to have any one there for it, because it’s just been one like
These Times, They Are A Changin:
From the time the Montgomery Bus Boycott began in 1955 until the his death in 1968 and even beyond; Dr King and the rest of the movement took the battle to the power structure and not vice versa, continuously applying pressure. in well thought out places In attacking racism and discrimination where it existed and was most vehement; the lunch counters, the bus stops, and the polling place, of the deep south, they not only placed the entire practice of Jim Crow on display, they put it on trial in the court of public opinion, a battle Jim Crow eventually lost.
The Civil Rights Movement’s creative use of non violent direct action to frame and challenge the Jim Crow laws of the South met with violence and repression at the hands of small town police, members of the KKK, or just your garden variety, small-minded, red neck prick; most of which viewed by Americans across the nation were able to witness ignorance first hand at least once in their life. Meeting non-violence with extreme violence backfired, leading to increased support for the demonstrators and eventually leading to Jim Crow’s demise with the passage of the Civil Rights Act in 1964 and the Voting Rights Act in 1965.
A Job Well Done? More Like It’s Just Begun, Time For Phase Two:
Let us not forget this little tidbit either, just before his murder, Dr King had been in the process of expanding his consciousness and understanding and taking riskier opinions than he had previously or at least in public.s . Rather than basking in the major accomplishments of the Civil Rights Movement, especially for African-Americans of the South, he sought to do even more before he died, and his last efforts weren’t limited to the black community either welcoming all people regardless of religion and regardless of creed. He also came out against the Vietnam War publicly in one of his speeches, something the old Dr King would never have done for fear of rocking the boat. The Poor Peoples Campaign was open to all people regardless of race or anything like that, but it is probably my favorite speech of his .
Status Report: Where We Stand At Now
The Poor People’s campaign The plan was for a large multicultural group of poverty activists to march on the washington memorial plaza whatever and camp out there as a reminder of poverty that Congress wouldn’t be able to ignore it anymore. Sadly, Dr. King would not see this one through to completion James Earl Ray’s 30.-.06 cut his life short, and for no apparent reason other than who he is. At the time of the shooting, Dr. King and his entourage were in the middle of doing something with a document, it looked interesting<p><a href=”http://vimeo.com/3816635″>Martin Luther King, Jr: “Mountaintop” speech full length</a> from <a href=”http://vimeo.com/user907438″>Filip Goc</a> on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a>.</p>
I think it’s pretty safe to assume everyone else feels the same as me when it comes to whether we feel as though we have to really put in very much effort .get up for anyone about our sloppy levels of play lately not being acceptable anymore. Everything has been all out-of-place I’m confident in saying I still don’t recognize the idyllic locale of his dream; guess we’re all still waiting on those two tickets to paradise as it sits now and you better believe this guy desperately is in need of a tan.
Gone But Not Forgotten
Luckily, I’m not the only one whose life the great Dr. King has touched. We can rest assured that his memory will live on, the light he used to combat darkness will continue to illuminate the way for each of us committed to making this world a better place, a righteous one filled with love.
Only question is, who will join me?
What Ever Happened to “Love Thy Neighbor?”
Is it a concept that even still exists in todays increasingly dog eat dog, society?
Or is it a courtesy limited to anyone with a permanent mailing address?
Homelessness is not a crime, people! its a shame.
Bear Witness and Take Part:
A great quote from one of my favorite comedians. He’s actually a pretty deep dude, which caught me entirely by surprise.