I Needed This,
My very dearest friend(s), are coming to see me in the very near future. Personally, I don’t think that this could have come at a better time.
My world has been in shambles, rocked hard by meteors as its fallin apart. My strained grip on reality reminds me far too much of grabbing at straws growing increasingly short, and shrinking by the minute. Miraculously, out of nowhere there they are, to save me from myself. Its almost as if they heard those silent screams made from deep within, when no-one is around. They were my teammates, my friends, and they know me better than I know myself. Together, we volunteered around the nation, helping those in need, and they will forever be a part of me, as will the experience.
Unbeknownst to me,
we weren’t just helping those affected by disaster, and rebuilding homes or saving those in need.
This instance will be the second time around the person saved was me.
Anyone who didn’t experience the life of an NCCC’er thinks Im just overly nostalgic, reminiscing on life experiences long since spent. They just don’t “get it”, nor could they. But all my fellow alums regardless of campus, class or year know that in fact what we had, was magic. A time and a moment forever encapsulated in our memory, forever sought but never reacquired, unique and all its own. Living with 10 total strangers for 10 months moving from place to place, project to project, living out of that damn red bag and a GSA van. These were people who gave up all that they knew to go be a part of something selfless, and bigger than themselves.
Sadly, no matter how hard I tried, I could never feel like I belonged. I was in the company of people, truly good people, and I could never stop feeling uncomfortable because of it. The truth of the matter was, I did not belong there among them. Every last one of them, to the person, was far better than I could ever hope to be. Immediately before learning of my acceptance to the program, I was forced to the realization that in some things, in certain areas of my life, I was powerless, totally and utterly powerless. Completely at the mercy of my impulse, and boredom with the slow monotonous pace my life had taken. A drum solo with a slow and steady beat. The two people I had held closest to me, that I had given the most access to my inner being and therefore with the most potential to hurt me did so with the quickness of a viper.
Due to this I spent half the time pushing everyone away, when now I would like nothing more than to have them all near. That is the story of my life in a nutshell, Murphy’s Law applied with gale wind force. That which I desire I prevent, and that which I avoid, gets drawn to me much like a stalker to Paula Abdul’s residence.
Gravity is at play here in more than one sense of the word.
I wish that I could say I didn’t cause pain to those I most wish to shield from it. Sometimes I think about how much easier things would be on people if they had never met me. When these thoughts cross my mind I cant help but wait for a cameo by Jimmy Stewart
like this was the set of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. The only set I belong on is really “Its a Wonderful Lie”, because I do nothing but bring others down, like the sun to the moon, providing a constant point of friction burning an otherwise non-native arm. I know for a fact that I don’t want to live my life without these people in it, yet I push those I need most away from myself. A desperate attempt to keep up some semblance of respect in an otherwise un-respectable person.
I needed this rendezvous, because I’ve been beginning to feel stretched too thin like spandex across J-Lo’s ass. After finally finding something at work that I enjoyed doing, found to be somewhat fun,
I go out injured.
This is the longest I’ve been without work since the week after I was legally able to.
It Might sound like a vacation, except most of my days get wasted, (Amy Winehouse wasted) alone and in pain. Sometimes I feel like a miserable old fuck, my body is fallin apart on me like a rickety old house, but the architects can’t look at the blueprint and tell me whats wrong. Hopefully they get here soon cause I’m losin it, if in fact I ever had it.
- NCCC Alum Remembers How AmeriCorps Works in Joplin (americorpsalums.wordpress.com)
- All By Myself (confessionsofableedingheart.wordpress.com)
- Here We Go (sammyscoops.wordpress.com)