Welcome to My House of Mirrors: A Smashing Good Time!

I can’t deny it any longer.  There is most certainly something wrong with me.  There must be.  That is the only explanation for everything.  There is absolutely nothing “right” about the way I feel, and act, or see myself.  Nothing normal with most times not feeling comfortable in your own skin, a stranger to yourself, like looking upon an unflattering reflection from a fun house mirror.  Allowing distortion to become your reality.  Believing yourself undeserving personal triumphs and acclaim irrespective of the hard work & time spent.  What few accomplishments I do have, I paid for.  The price-tag was not minutes, days, or years but in blood, sweat and tears.  Nothing in my life, and I mean nothing has come easily or cost cheap.  What lessons I have learned thus far on my journey have been hard-fought, even ill gained….Pyrhic victories….I wouldn’t wish on anyone else.  But I respect and appreciate the outlook and wisdom gained, refusing to give it up, even if that option existed in anything but children’s tales., or video games in the modern age.

 [RESET]

 better luck next time,

next life,

reset, restart, level up, press continue…..

Internally I know I am unfair to myself.  I’ve been aware of this for some time…..Aware and conscious but not awake…like a lucid dream I’m unable to awake from.

More like a nightmare, all I can think is,

they lied,

cuz the truth has not set me free.  I feel more bound, constrained by this guilty knowledge, that I not only can do more, but I should do more.    Despite feeling that I have reached my breaking point, now ready to heed my personal “call to action”,  the real action aspect of it still proves problematic.  Where do you start, when the system feels broken?  What can you do to find your path in the world?  How will I know that I’ve made the right choice?  As I struggle to find answers to these questions I am walking in place, frozen by fear….fear of what?  fear of failure?  fear of pain? or fear of success? and fear of what I may find within the depths of myself if forced in that direction?   Fear that I will have to pay up for a bet made against myself long ago that I have neither the ability or the justification to pay.

Made prisoner through my self-awareness, unable to return to my carefree and ignorant bliss. Aware of the fact that there are some things that eventually,

you just have to let go of,

The Incredible Hulk (2008 video game)
The Incredible Hulk (2008 video game) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I cling for a handle with every ounce of strength left in my tired, spent fingers despite their lack of feeling….Just reflexive knee jerk reactions running, synapses firing on pure instinct and latent memories, acting as they think they should….survival mode ….Fighting it tooth and nail….    At times, I don’t even recognize myself, perhaps displeased with the contour of a particular mirror, creating an unpleasant vision.  Either that or I legitimately scare myself, how quickly it can all change.  Like Bruce Banner into the Incredible Hulk, a switch gets flipped and all traces of my peaceful demeanor fades away like a bad paint job.  I have no love for the person I’m left with when it happens….No love for scaring or hurting people, especially those closest to me, when I wouldn’t hurt a fly.  Wishing I could rid myself of HIM, and carry on, all Jekyll and no Hyde.  That is the moment when you know its bad, when you can’t even recognize yourself.  When your image has become so distorted you couldn’t pick yourself out of a line-up.  Where did he go?  That idealistic version of myself,

Such infectious optimism,

childlike passion for life!

but so naive,  That kid is gone forever,

The Incredible Hulk (TV series)

Lost amidst the pain of depression, an ache from deep within, amplified by the emptiness felt inside.

Contents lost in my personal battle with self-esteem and addiction fought as a coming of age…….

debris strewn across my rent, tattered soul….Something of a sheltered youth, I made a misguided choice without giving it much thought.  I did it in search of acceptance, having just come through a very trying and lonely time in my life.  Uprooting in the middle of a school year, leaving the world  I knew and the people who populated it behind.  Despite not giving it my full attention, I still knew deep down that it was wrong, I shouldn’t do it.  A fact that I never forgot, reminding myself of it endlessly, every time I did it only further worsening my dilemma.  At times I feel that I traded my dignity for “friends”…  making the fatal mistake of assuming they were ones worth keeping in my life.  Too new to the world to have the wisdom necessary to tell important from filler… Unknown to me , this decision would proved to more expensive than anyone could ever believe, rife with un-foreseen cost and hidden fees.  This moment of weakness’ span would quietly stretch across entire  years of my life until it pervaded my very sense of being.  Allowing this to happen is something I’m yet to forgive of myself and only myself… Such fools we were, emulating some fabricated vision of cool.  An immature, reckless philosophy on life, centered around living fast and dying young.  I guess it seems easier when you havent had the time or opportunity to fall flat on your face & make an honest mistake.  Easier to ride the pine and think about what could have been than it is to hit the game winning shot.

It is unfortunate to have had to make such an immense decision so young. Handicapped by an understanding of the world constrained by my age.  I was still unaware how wide the spectrum of human behavior is…or how low some are willing to go.   My eyes still half-opened enough that I still believed everyone was basically good, things functioned as they should.  I wish I was a positive person again, or knew how to.  I wish that I knew how to even like myself again.  Alas, if that is a possibility it is not one that I am familiar with.  Google street view has yet to update that map, the one of myself…i heard its due out sometime after they finish with the one of the Amazon River.  Until that time, I’m left bushwhacking it, far from beaten path, on the road less travelled.  Making tentative swipes at the unknown when the situation calls for reckless abandon and wanton hacking away.

I wish I could pinpoint it…..the moment I lost my mojo, the good vibes, call it karma if you will.  Regardless of title, for the last few years I’ve been awkwardly moving my body.  An uncontrolled epileptic spasmodic jerking, like Elaine from Seinfeld.  Clearly unable to keep the rhythm, silently hoping, to one day do like Stella….

Get my groove back….

Once again moving in tune to the beat in my head.

full synchronization……body…mind….spirit….

all kept inline with a common purpose and underlying goal.

Judging by my recent actions, I wont hold my breath… this reality can only exist far in the future, if its reality at all…  For the moment, I would rather sabotage myself than give it a shot, and potentially fail.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are younot to be? …Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory … that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  -Marianne Williamson

For the moment I must settle for the understanding that any action is better than inaction.  Unless you make a choice, take a stand, and potentially make a “mistake” you are unable to truly discover yourself.  Anything other than that isn’t fair to yourself… because its hardly living at all.

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6 thoughts on “Welcome to My House of Mirrors: A Smashing Good Time!”

    1. No worries I got this! Even though sometimes I may try to forget it, Ive come too far and worked too hard. I am a good person, at least as good as a person can be. I owe it to myself…

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  1. It sounds like you’re having a bad time. I won’t say cheer up (well I haven’t said it, right?) but I hope you work it out soon. I always thought the truth did set you free but I think maybe appreciating freedom isn’t as easy as it sounds.

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